June 28, 2005

Still Agnostic?

A friend wrote me a letter recently and asked if I was still Agnostic. I don't recall ever being agnostic, and I have generally viewed agnosticism, perhaps unfairly, as a reluctance to make a choice, or a refusal to take a stand -- things I do not usually appreciate. Having said that, I thought her question was worth considering.

In the Rush song, "Freewill", bass player Geddy Lee sings: if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. While I believe that the statement is true, I also think choosing not to decide is a choice not worth making. So I try, when given a choice, to choose aggressively. Mixed results ensue, inevitably. But that's the price of clarity, or so I thought, at least with respect to the issue of choice.

Still, I want to remain flexible intellectually, and open to new ideas, and I now believe that Agnosticism, certainly as an idea, is worth taking seriously. Whether or not I am agnostic -- still or if ever, God only knows.

My friend has a serious and capable mind, and in hindsight I think what she really meant was -- do I still struggle with spiritual matters, and have I ever reconciled my blind devotion to artistic work, which I consider to be deeply spiritual, with my demand that it produce concrete, practical results? I'm not sure, of course, although I suspect not. Clearly I still struggle with matters spiritual and otherwise, and I have reconciled very little in the last fifteen years or so since I decided that these things were worth thinking about, or doing. And maybe more importantly, I have grown increasingly skeptical of the notion that reconciliation is actually possible, opting instead for forgiveness. Financial people disapprove of this choice, obviously.

One thing I know is that I don't doubt the existence of God -- I doubt my ideas about Him. And that makes worshipping a tricky proposition.